Strategies for Challenging Negative Thoughts
Decatastrophising
Are you overeacting? What is really the worst thing that can happen? How likely is it that the worst could happen? Will this be a major event next week? What could you do to manage even if the worst were to happen?
Hopefulness Statements
Be kind and encouraging to yourself. Imagine that the most wonderful supportive mentor in the world- and treat yourself as they would. Instead of using ‘should’ statements substitute, ‘may’ or ‘could’ as these are softer in tone and allow for endless possibilities. Try self-statements such as ‘I ca change’; ‘Nothing is written in stone’; ‘This too, will pass’; ‘Whatever comes my way I can manage it’, or ‘I can find the resources to help me learn how to manage this situation.’
Blame the event, not yourself
Everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Mistakes you make in a particular situation are not permanent reflections on you as a person.
Reminding yourself to stay ‘on task’
Try to stay focused on what you need to do. Taking action will make you feel better.
Recall good things
Focus on the positive! What are some things that have gone well recently? What personal skills do you have that have helped you cope with challenging situations in the past?
Create a collage of your efforts – for example, think about how good you were at organising a great holiday or a birthday for someone, the day you were rewarded for some deed by the most unlikely person or the smile of pleasure on someone’s face when you complimented them.
Relabelling the Distress
Unhappiness is a reaction to an event that you are learning to adapt to. As we’ve seen, this process is all about you. Thinking about the event in terms of a signpost or a signal that requires different coping mechanisms highlights the problem constuctively and provides some objectivity. You could see the event as a metaphor of your entire life. For example if you lose a person close to you it could be seen as the right time for you to take care of yourself and, in time, give to others.
Changing your behaviour is central to the process, as in time, it will assist you in supporting your new style of thinking. When you change, your environment may need to change also. You may need to leave a relationship or change your job. Whatever you need to do will flow a great deal more easily when you think along different line. Life is different at times, but as others have succeeded, so can you.
Tools to Use
Invest in spiral-backed notebook. You can decorate it as creatively as you like. Some people use coloured ribbons, pictures, poems and song lyrics – anything that you relate to that makes you feel good. This can be thought of as a happiness journal, or a place where you put references for books, people, groups, seminars and essential events. In the past, your thoughts have run around in your head in never-ending circles. Now, take the time to write them down. Writing ideas and feelings down externalises them. It puts them out of your head and on paper, providing you with a record of your progress so you will be able to see how you are applying your newly learned skills in order to cope with your life in a different way.
Some people say, ‘But I can’t write!’ This is the perfectionist in you speaking. This journal is not going to be seen by anybody. Poor grammar, spelling mistakes, illegible writing are all just a part of the process. The issue is not about the writing; it is about the daily disclipline of paying attention to yourself – the only discipline worthy of your attention – self-discipline. This is absolutely preferable to wasting your valuable time on worrying about what you cannot change.
Some ideas for your workbook
On page one write a letter of resignation from the position of , for example, ‘Everybody’s Secretary’ or ‘General Dogs body’, to be effective as of today.
The ‘Job’ you’re resigning from could be one thing that is causing a problem in your life or it might be multiple things. For example;
-being responsible for organising activities for others who expect you to do it.
-doing for adult children what they can do for themselves.
-Using up time and energy listening to other people’s problems that you cannot change.
-being the financial controller for the family, or having to deal with other adults expecting you to budget for all their extravagances.
-Being the ‘rescuer’ or attempting to be the ‘fixer’ for other’s problems.
-saying yes when you mean no.
-overworking
-being over involved.
-being over-critical.
Give up the idea that you are central to the scheme of things. Assess which problems are genuinely outside of your control. For Example, you cannot change the state of the economy, or whether our son’s fiance wants a ‘Gone with the wind’ wedding production and has no foreseeable way of paying for it, or what career path your child wants to take even though you think it’s unrealistic.
The purpose of this letter of resignation is for you to see how much of your time is taken up worrying about what other people do, or don’t do. The good news is that letting go of this will free up a lot of time. It will also demonstrate how much you have become attached to the outcomes of other people’s issues. This is always a recipe for unhappiness – you can’t control others.
If we take the example of the huge wedding desired by your son’s fiance, remember that
-it is not your wedding
-the bride needs to have the opportunity to discover the dream about a huge wedding before coming to terms with what is possible and what isn’t.
-the worst that can happen is a few tears that are really about wants versus needs.
Allowing others to do what they need to do, as well as allowing them to experience the consequences of their beliefs, may feel initially like you are redundant to the whole process. Acknowledging your own investment in being needed and wanted can be difficult, however this is a golden opportunity to make better choices; doing what you comfortably can, sticking to that decision and reaping the positive and assertive feeling that taking a stand like this creates.
Compiling a list of your achievements (also known as a victory list) is another way of recording the small achievements that you accomplish daily. Take note of credit and positive comments you receive for your deeds. Paying attention to these is part of changing how you perceive yourself and others over time, helps make inroads into your beliefs about yourself.
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